Tag lines

768 Funny Bumper Stickers...

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"Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4."
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
"No, mister Budweiser, I haven't had any officers tonight."
"Sir, I seem to be stuck." (Data) "Well, get unstuck." (Picard)
(001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, an amusement park.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sun shine is like....night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Air pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All life's answers are on TV - Bart Simpson
ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS - I married with their King.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
And just how may I screw you over today?
And which dwarf are you?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a man to face cancer.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Are the noises in my head bothering you?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Assassins do it from behind!
At least Jennifer got kissed
Atheism is a nonprophet organization!
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
Auntie Em; Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog--- Dorothy
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
Bad cop, no donut
Bad girls wanted
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100 % compression
Better living through denial.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beware of dragons, for we are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Bill Clinton is going to be Hillary's Cigarette Bitch In Prison.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes really suck...
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed
Blondes may tease, but redheads please.
Born again pagan.
Born an ass hole (The rest grew later)
Born free... taxed to death.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
Brain dysfunction detected...
Brain over - Insert coin
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Budget....A method for going broke methodically.
BUFFERS =20 FILES=15 2ND down, 4TH quarter, 5 YARDS to go !
Bugs come in through open Windows.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Calm Down. Its only ones and zeros.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
Cats... the other white meat.
CAUTION: I drive like you do.
CAUTION: vehicle sometimes moves sideways.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Chess players mate better.
Cigar Smokers Appreciate A Great Butt
Clones are people two.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Computer Lie # 1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime??
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Dear God... Protect me from your followers.
Death to all fanatics!
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy....the art of letting someone have your way.
Do I look like a freaking people person?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Do you think you could drive better if you stuck that phone UP YOUR ASS?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Dog and wife missing. Reward for Dog.
Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't blame me I didn't vote for Hillary
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't drive faster than your angel can fly
Don't follow me or you'll end up at my place...
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
Don't laugh - it could be your daughter in here.
DON'T STEAL! - The government hates competition
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss' ass.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Dyslexics of the World: 'Untie!'
E Pluribus Modem
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
EARTH FIRST! - Then we log the other planets!!
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Earth is full. Go home.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Eat Lamb. 50,000 Coyotes can't be wrong
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Eat shit! A million trillion flies can't be wrong.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Eschew obfuscation.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Everbody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Everything I need to know about women I learned from my cat
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Facts are stubborn things.
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue....
Feel lucky???? Update your software!
Few women admit their age... fewer men act it
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
For a small town... this one sure has a lot of assholes.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
From a chicken in every pot to a chicken smokin' pot
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up & Hang On
Get Off My Ass, Or I Will Flick A Booger On Your Windshield
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give Pizza Chants
God created men and rested... God created women and no-ones rested since!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
God, Guts, & Guns Made America Great.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
H lp! S m b dy st ll th v wl s fr m my k yb rd!
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hang up and drive!
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Harder than your husband!!
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last has the best lawyer
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Help nature, don't breathe.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Help! My Reality Check Bounced!
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw...
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
Hold the Liberals liable
Horn broken, watch for finger.
House guarded by SHOTGUN 3 nights a week. You guess which 3.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am built for comfort, not for speed!
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I am only horny on the days that end in y.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be fixed with the right amount of C4!
I brake just for the hell of it!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
I did alot of drugs in the 50's now I do them at room temperature.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't care who you are, FATSO. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't care, I don't have to.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I failed my urine-test.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
I got some diving equipment for my wife... It was the best trade I ever made.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I love animals... they're delicious.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
I love cats... dead ones
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I love Jesus. It's his fan club that makes me nervous.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight!
I may be going slow, but I am ahead of you!
I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
I plead contemporary insanity.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I smile because I do not know what is going on.
I souport publik edekashun.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting better!
I support the three basic food groups.. KEG - BOTTLE - CAN
I think, therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I tried to think but nothing happened! - CURLY
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a thing goes without saying, LET IT.....
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question!
If Hillary was President Airforce One would be a BroomStick.
If I can't fish in heaven....I'm not going
If I go any faster I'll burn out my Hamsters
If I save the whales, where do I keep them??
If I save time, when do I get it back??
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it's got tits or wheels it's trouble
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If this van is rockin' don't bother knockin'
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. (Dan Quayle)
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
If you can read this, back off!
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you don't have time to do it right, what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?
If you don't like the news, go out and make some
If you don't like the way I drive, Get off the sidewalk!
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you voted for change, better start counting it
If you voted for Clinton YOU must have inhaled
If you want to hang your ass out of the window, please make sure it's clean first
If you're going to ride my ass, you might as well pull my hair
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
IF, a two-letter word for FUTILITY.
Illiterate? Write for help today!
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm going Nucking Futs!!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not a tourist, I live here.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
I'm not cheap, but I am on special
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
I'm not deaf, I just like to block your way.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm the guy your parents warned you about
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Impeach Hillary
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
In Love With Your Wife!
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed
Individualists - Unite!
Inhale to the chief
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
It said "Insert disk # 3" , but only two will fit!
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It's all fun and games, 'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!
It's not just winning the game---its drinking the beer
It's not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.
I've got plenty of lead in my pencil... but none in my tank.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
JESUS IS COMING - and boy, is He pissed!
Jesus is coming! Quick, look busy!
JESUS LOVES YOU - but everybody else thinks you're an asshole
Jesus loves, but he doesn't know you
Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!
Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!
Jesus Saves. Get a broker too!
Join D.A.M.M. - Drunks Against MADD Mothers
Join F.A.R.T.s - Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
Join M.A.D. - Mothers Against Dyslexia
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Just because I live in a house doesn't mean I'll clean it!
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Keep America free; support the trade embargo against Cuba
Keep honking while I reload.
Keep Honking... I'm reloading as fast as I can!
Keep our privates straight
Kill them all! ... Let God sort them out.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Lead me not into temptaion, I can find it myself
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Learn the 3 R's: Reject the Religious Right
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
Life in a vacuum sucks.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Life is too short for cheap cigars!
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
Little Miss Nitpick
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - see driver for details
Make the World a better place, kill yourself.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.
Marriage is not a word: its a SENTENCE.
Master Baiters catch more fish
Me You Dinner Motel
Mean people rule!
Mean people suck... Nice people swallow...
Meandering to a different drummer.
Meat is yummy!
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Montana -- At least the cows are sane!
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
My disgust with the current administration cannot be summarized here.
My Karma ran over my Dogma.
My kid beat up your honor student.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
My message above. Your response here ____________.
My other car is a piece of crap too!
My other car is also a Mercedes.
My reality check just bounced.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn
Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.
Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Never try to teach a pig to sing, You waste your time and only annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
Next time wave all of your fingers.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No radio - Already stolen.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nuke The Gay Whales for Jesus!
Nurses call all the SHOTS
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Old musicians don't die... they just decompose.
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the other hand....you have different fingers.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Orgasm Donor
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tasty Animals
P.E.T.A. - People for the Ethical Termination of Antihunters
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
People say I have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk I fall down. No problem!
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Please God, Answer my prayers... Please Steal this car.
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Reagan -- the great communicator, Clinton -- the great fabricator
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Rehab is for Quitters.
REMEMBER: 155MPH Saves Lives!!!
Ronald Reagan is A Lesbian!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And so am I.
RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Save a mouse... Eat pussy!
Save the whales--- Harpoon a Fat Chick
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Security is a game but the final goal is never reached.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shotgun in rack is loaded.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Shut up, Get in and Hang On!
Shut up, Get out and Start Pushing!
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson - The original point and click interface.
Smoke dope, dodge the draft, Cheat on your wife, become President, It's the new American way.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
So many idiots, so few comets...
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
So many recipes, so few cats.
So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Someone found dynamite in the dictionary.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Sorry I got lost in thought. It was unfamilar territory.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope)
Speed on! Hell ain't half full...
Spotted owls taste just like chicken.
Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.
Stop illitrissy now!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Stop, in the name of all which doesn't suck! (Butt-Head)
Straight is something crooked that was bent. (Marten Toonder)
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Stupid people shouldn't breed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Suicide Hotline....Please hold.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
Support mental health or I'll kill you.
Support your local Search & Rescue.... GET LOST
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Tardis Express: When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Get There Before You Send It.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Tell me to " STUFF IT " - I'm a taxidermist
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me this rewarding job with such charmin co-workers.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best man for the job is a woman
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The Ho Chi Minh Trail led to the White House
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
The light went out, but where to?
The Lord giveth and Clinton taketh away
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The more I know about women....the more I like my truck
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
The older I get, the better I was
The only difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.
The only real difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The Religious Right is neither
The rich get richer; The poor get babies.
The secret of the universe is @*&eerm^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shop called yesterday, your brain is ready
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?
The way to get things done is not to care who gets the honour.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 95.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
To Err is human, to forgive......$ 5.00
To err is human; To moo is bovine.
To hell with the Baptists, I'm going to DisneyWorld!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
Tow-ERs will be violated
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Troopers are your yeast infection.
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass
VENI, VIDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!
Virgin Conversion, Mobile Unit...
Virgin exterminator - Please enter
Virus scanner: "Windows" found. Remove? (Y)
Wanted: A Meaningful one night relationship
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Was today really necessary?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
Welcome to WYOMING. Frankly, we don't give a damn how you did it back home.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
What Part of http:/ www.kissmyass.com Don't you understand??
What works, is. (Jamie McQuinn)
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you're not looking, this is written in Spanish
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Who is "they" anyway?
Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Winning isn't everything, it's also important to humiliate your opponent
Witches are crafty people
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Workaholics Anonymous---- THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind..
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
You can't be first, but you could be next
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.
You will get what's coming to you....Unless they mailed it.
You! Off my planet!
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
Your only young once; you can be immature forever.
Your tits look like they're made of cardboard. Are they real?
Your ugly and your mama dresses you funny
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
You're only young once; you can be immature forever
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.